Handling a Changing Parent/Child Relationship

Caring for children feels natural. They are small, inexperienced, and innocent. They need us and parenting them is a fun and emotional journey. Then, as they grow into adults, a wonderful relationship of independence and friendship emerges. Through all those years, there is a clear distinction between parent and child, and while children may assert their independence at times, mom/dad’s wisdom, experience and love is almost palpable. Inevitably though, everyone ages. Children become parents themselves, and parents find themselves becoming grannies, pop pops, pappies, and nannies. It’s during this time that visions of beach vacations, park playdates with grandchildren, and life’s other promised “Golden Year” activities can become overshadowed by medical ailments, failing cognition, and mobility challenges. Elders facing these challenges lose out on what they thought would be a great time in their life, and their children struggle as they navigate changing roles in their relationship with mom/dad. Suddenly that distinctive parent/child line is blurred as parents needs assistance with activities of daily living or become cognitively diminished to the point of needing their children to make decisions for them. It’s an extremely difficult position for all involved, but focusing on the following can help ensure a much smoother transition through it all.

Planning Ahead Together

Making and communicating plans for medical care, decision making, and support in case of failing health is one of the greatest gift a parent can give their children. Knowing the wishes of mom/dad relieves responsibility from the shoulder of the adult child and ensures that wishes are carried out. Parents, if you’re in a place to do so, make some plans. Choose your Healthcare Proxy and Power of Attorney, get finances in order, make decisions based on medical care that you are willing to endure, put goals and wishes down on paper, and communicate these things to your adult children. Adult children, if you’re unaware of any planning, it may be time to ask the tough questions. Have discussions with your parents while they’re still able to answer questions readily and make note of them. Find out what their goals are for the coming season of life. What is important to them? What would they like done, medically speaking? What are their end of life wishes? What if they become confused? What if one parent passes away? Are their finances in order? Do they have a will? Where is it? Ask these questions now, so you don’t have to guess later.

Supporting Each Other

Parents, you’ve raised your children and it’s likely that you have some level of trust and respect for them. Adult children, as your parent’s have raised you, it’s likely that you also have developed a deep respect and love for your parents. Hold on to these simple truths as you work through this together. Don’t allow yourselves to become enemies over feelings of frustration and hurt that are a result of illness and change. Support each other as you always have. Be on the same team.

Mourning the Loss of a Relationship

Most people think of mourning as something done when another dies. While true, we can mourn over intangible things as well. It’s perfectly healthy to feel a sense of loss during this time. Parents may feel a loss of security, independence, and their position as a parent. Adult children, on the other hand, may be mourning the loss of their parent as they knew them, freedom of life without caring for another adult, and their position as a child. It’s perfectly natural to experience those feelings, and they should be dealt with right away. Whether you do it together or with another, take time to talk about those feelings. Cry over the loss if you need to and treat yourself and each other just as you would if a best friend had died.

Reflecting on the Past

While dealing with the loss of the former relationship, take time to reflect upon what once was. Each family is unique and has experienced life differently. Sit down with someone you trust (each other if feasible), and reflect upon your lives together. Laugh over the great memories, fill in details and answer questions if you can, and deal with past hurts. It’s ok to ask for an apology or forgiveness during this stage of life. It’s never too late to clear the air in a loving way. In fact, it’s a healthy step in continuing to build upon your evolving bond.

Communication Needs

We have all heard that communication is key in every marriage. This is also true in the aging parent/child relationship. Both, the aging parent and adult child need to communicate and be open to hearing each other’s needs/ideas. If you are an aging parent, remember that nobody will know what you need/want unless you tell them. Avoidance of the subject will only lead your adult child to guess and feel they need to make decisions without your help. If you’re an adult child, be sure to ask and encourage your aging parent to be involved as much as possible with any decision making. More importantly, don’t just hear what they say and disregard it. Truly listen and be willing to help them carry out their wishes if possible. Communicate your ideas as well and don’t be afraid to let your parent know if you are overwhelmed or unable to help with something. Being open with each other will give you each a sense of control and security in knowing that you’re on the same team with the same goals.

Adult children: If your aging parent is confused and forgetful, it is still important to communicate as much as you can. Each situation is unique, but confusion does not mean that a person no longer needs to be part of their own care. Do your best to discuss decisions with them, even if it needs to be done repeatedly. If their confusion is profound, they may not understand or may become upset by your words. In that case, be gentle and loving and tailor their care accordingly.

Treating Each Other As Children

During this time of transition, aging parents and adult children, unsure of how to relate in this new relationship, often begin treating each other as children. Whatever you do, avoid this at all cost. You’re both adults, and regardless of cognitive ability, deserve to be treated with respect. While it may feel harmless, this type of treatment actually creates a great divide between parents and adult children who feel offended or disrespected by the act. Watch your tone and avoid pet names that weren’t in use previously. Tip: If you find that you often fall into child-speak with your loved one, practice treating them as if you’re having lunch with a peer. It’ll take some time to reverse the habit, but practice makes progress!

Asking for Help

If you’re an aging adult in the later season of your life, it can be difficult to ask for help. You’ve spent a lifetime taking care of yourself and others, and being cared for feels unnatural. If you’re an adult child, you may be feeling as if you’re the only one who can help mom/dad. As if you owe them your whole life and have to do anything and everything you can for them. While the sentiment is beautiful, it’s important for both parents and adult children to examine their need for help, and to ask for it. Have an open line of communication with each other and with friends, family, and outside resources if necessary. This life cannot be lived or faced alone, and there is no shame in looking to others for support.

This season of life is not easy. None of it feels natural and somehow it always feels unexpected. Planning ahead, mourning the losses, reflecting on the past, communicating needs, avoiding child speak, and asking for help are all ways that we can help each other through the situation. But, at the end of the day, the struggle will still be there, and all you can ever really do is move forward to the next, right thing. In the day-to-day challenges, just do the next, right thing. Help mom to the bathroom because it’s the next, right thing. Ask your adult son for help with your checkbook because it’s the next, right thing. Walk in to the assisted living home and complete the tour because it’s the next, right thing. Navigate this time together and just focus on the NEXT, RIGHT THING.